compromise

People say relationships are about compromise.

But i've been single for seven years. Seven years of taking care of myself, not having someone to cuddle, to soothe and calm me, to hold me and say everything is alright, not having a shoulder to cry on. But also seven years of absolute independence, of doing things my way, as and when I want, no compromises, expecting nothing and giving nothing. I'm not sure I know how to compromise anymore.


That, or I've just forgotten how relationships work, given my only one relationship and began nine years (almost a decade!) ago and ended seven years ago.

I can't remember if it's normal to be uncertain, alternately angry, frustrated, upset, at the beginning of the (non-)relationship: uncertain of how much he likes you, his degree of commitment ; angry that he's not responsive enough ; frustrated that you can't get through to him, that you can't talk to him when you want to because he's busy and the both of you don't have a habit of texting or calling ; upset because he doesn't seem as keen to spend time with you as you think he should be.

And I'm not sure if it's normal, this feeling of ambivalence that I sometimes have towards him, this funny thing that we have on. Which is not quite a relationship, because that sounds too formal for what we're having. And yet we've agreed not to see anyone else (and he's apparently turned down two girls who asked him out, saying: "i'm seeing someone" even before we "formalised" this funny thing of ours) and we're kissing etc.

I'm not sure what is more important:
> that we have fun when we're together and are genuinely fond of each other
> that at the crux of it, we share similar values (we've both ranked "love" and "freedom" as our top 2 most important things in life, but in different orders, due to different definitions) ; or
> that I like travel-cycling and he doesn't
> that I'm not sure we fit into each others' lives (I struggle to understand his friends' funny regional english accents and i'm not sure i'll fit in with his very english crowd, i'm not sure he'll be comfortable with my entirely expatriate/foreign crowd of friends)
> that we're not necessarily making sufficient effort to fit each other into our lives
> that he's quite sceptical and we have quite different views on other stuff, and he's probably too strong-willed and independent (too much like me) for my preference

I guess I'm unhappy only when I fall into the trap that The Boy had said was my big problem: that I expect too much. Then I had compromised / sacrificed (without being asked to) and expected the same from The Boy, when he had not asked for me to compromise and was not wiling to do the same. So now I don't compromise, but am upset that he's not willing to compromise either.

I say to him, you don't have to come cycling with me if you don't want to. But I want him to want to be with me enough that he would rather cycle with me then not cycle without me. And I'm sad that he'd rather stay in London doing something else this bank holiday weekend than be with me. What is the point of a relationship then if we're both going to be as independent-minded and separate as before?

Maybe the way to be happy is to, most of all, forget that I had given up Frenchie for him (that breeds constant resentment), and take it easy, and make like we're just friends who enjoy each other's company who happen to be physically attracted to each other as well. I guess my grouch is that if we're not going to progress to be a real couple, then I'd rather not be tied down by this commitment not to see anyone else.

but i will try to be patient and give it time. i'll make a decision in july...